i don't even pretend that this thing is worth anyone's time at this point, but search engines are making a last ditch effort to make me believe otherwise.
big love goes out to msn search, which once employed me to produce a very small aspect of the street team promotion of their launch, and is now throwing readers at me who love handjobs and people who think "soar" means physically sensitive... loves homophones. shit, all homos are ok by me. they even sent me a top five for "ritz carlton in hamptons." the fact that there isn't one probably helped my cause on that one - gotta love people from Coudersport, PA. stay in the poconos, idiot, they have heart-shaped tubs there! makes me think of nirvana song.
and handjobs never stop and certainly won't if i keep writing about them more when people end up finding me whilst searching for third base porn. who the fuck...?
tampa bay, san antonio, and sacramento is who the fuck. love you all out there. no idea how it all got started but love just the same.
and speaking of places, the ivory coast, germany, the UK, australia, canada, brazil, fucking india. all in the past month!? i guess i might really try harder. a little.
WITH THAT IN MIND:
text message update (august to now):
to michelle: i’ve just returned to the reserve after a hot day of work, when i find, stuck in my door, a blue piece of paper. an eviction notice? no. an invitation to a luau.
to rosen: your job is way better than mine. sure, i make 1700 a week... but i earn it so hard.
to marissa and others: evacuation! warner brothers has chartered us some jets. austin, texas here i come.
to timmy: i heart texas – it’s bigger than france!
to po: and i am thinking of you. warner brothers flew us out on a private jet. i’m so drunk and so hollywood. i miss ny.
from po: well if you’re drunk and still feeling smart it’s a good thing. when you come back i will kiss your face. and maybe some other things.
to po: until then you will haunt my dreams. and many of my waking hours. come visit?
from po:you are kidding? i would love to cometo the sweltering heat. and have you as my guide. be honest you never tried when i was in town. is it more memorable the farther you are?
to po: absence makes the heart... but i no joke. let’s make it happen.
from po: me to come there? how? when? why?
from sarah collins: shit man. the world is a vampire. does this mean you can come back please?
to sarah collins: i am a slave.
to ross: just leaving miracle place church. the lord maketh me hungry.
to sarah collins: riots! i have three guns and a numchuck. phone only text. primeval ninja lifestyle.
from sarah collins: shut up. rosen is scared.
to sc: rosen is scared? i’m the one wrestling pre-teens for snickers bars.
from sc: he said you got sent into danger zone. i want a snickers.
from dmitry: sarah wants you to loot something good for her wedding present.
to dmitry: i’m on it. fierce shit for everyone. compile a list.
to Jdub- god-damn riots.i have to shoot black kids to get through the parking lot of my sushi restaurant.
to MD- no one in baton rouge has even heard of fashion week.
from MD- we hung out with naima last night. where were you? silly.
to MD- oh naima, please wait for me. it’s only 5 weeks.
to marissa- take a pitsher of it fer me... so’s i kin remember janice’s young times and growin pains. rita comin ta git me. (9/22)...
this is insane. i’ve been sitting in a graveyard waiting to do an interview for the last two and a half hours. all i wanna do is go to hotlanta and party the hurricane away.
to alex- my peacock script is totally field of dreams.
from MD- dude that sounds amazing. i want to hear all about your rum diaries. meet me at shark bar.
to MD- i’m in baton rouge again. rum is nothing but a dream since i can’t remember anything.
to marissa/michelle- it seems that in puerto rico it’s not cool to dance with myself. come help me!
from michelle- in a hrtbt.
to michelle- i think you could be a poker champion, but you’ll still never get a postcard from me if youdon’t give me your address.
from michelle- how could i be a poker champion? (address)
to michelle- new cameraman just said, ‘there’s a lot of damage around here.’ well, we’re in new orleans. there was that hurricane. i hate him. how are you?
to everyone- there’s a debate right now as to whether it was an alligator that just swam past the talent boat. i was watching, and it was.
from Jdub- tell the nay betters to jump in.
MD- you kill me! i am jealous!
michelle- all we have in this life is trust in ourselves.
from mesinger- Be careful!
to mesinger- You should’ve sent me that warning before i went out with hopkins for his fucking birthday
from MD- dude, that camera dude. maybe you should light that shit on fire. it sounds like cape fear down there.
from michelle- REMIND ME NEVER TO GO TO RENO EVER AGAIN
michelle- i lost 3 bucks and my plane is sitting perfectly still
from DR- i’m in austin now – on tour with girls gone wild.
from MD- i just got your message. hilary swank? assistant. i need a job. i am bff with her stylist. i never know when people call. i hate this razor phone. when are you coming home?
from joel- you should be in n.carolina with me. it’s hilarious.
to joel- baton rouge is definitely funnier. but i miss your sweet smile.
from michelle- do you have access to a van?
to michelle- still don’t know why you’re asking, but i have so many vans.
from sarah collins- do you have a brother?
to manny- missy just booty-called me. ok, no. but she did get my number from dave. that’s gonna be a whole different kind of rodeo.
from manny- are you sure she wasn’t getting your # to make sure i was coming?
to manny- not sure, but fairly certain. take her though. i’m on the virgin temptress.
to DQ- no need for the van. girl stays in LA while i remain enthusiastic about sunday’s rodeo and craft fair.
from mckenna- still gaying large currently? my night dwindlzz...
from missy- are you at parrains? because some of my underwater photos are gonna be put up in the bar.
missy- did ya get crazy last night or what? i hardly remember ride home.
to missy- we will dive. we will snow. it will be magical. like wizards.
missy- later film dude. have a sweet flight. lookin forward to sno stuff wizard boy.
to missy- wizard-boy film-dude safe in new york. keep baton rouge rad for me.
to joel- are you on a job or cocaine?
joel- drugs and work don’t mix, josh. besides, i’m on valium and that’s not a drug. it’s medication.
from alex- cuff’d would’ve been really good.
to alex- are you joking?
from alex- what was the song playing over muzak speakers in the shitter at rest stop in new jersey?
to alex- take it to the limit... one more time.
from bingus- poker? blue ribbon?
to bingus- you’re hilarious.
from hector- i hate each and every one of you.
from sadie- Oooh yeah..Can I search your bag too baby?
to jesse g- There’s a girl who’s only seen me in airblaster shirts and she loves me. I owe you.
from jesse g- Give her a kiss for me.
to nicole- You should open a bed and breakfast. Although i slept the first two hours i was at work.
to megan d- i wanna do your cleanse sstarting tomorrow. I dirty.
from nicole- what are you doing?
to nicole- i’m looking at an osprey.
from eve- sweet dreams frisbee dog.
to eve- you too, sea otter.
to marissa- what if janice had a gramma (paternal) who liked you well enough but didn’t fully trust you to raise the kidso she wanted to take care of her sometimes?
from marissa- i never liked your mom...never trusted her with the kids
to marissa- Never trusted her with the kids? She raised me, didn’t she?
i got the scoop at kate’s. Everyone’s saying how you’re not a fit mother.
to j-dub- waiter/prophet at the regency?
from jdub- yee
from rosen- sorry for bugging you bro lets take pills and fly away.
from missy- you missed it. & you miss me. And dave says you want him too!
from missy- Licky, licky
from billy- magician on rivington. 10ish
from hector- Romantical hairy romantic adventure.
from garwood- Bummer u couldn’t get down here. Herbulator not keen on spending any extra so was a hard sell. Hasn’t been that fun tho – lots of work – although was thinking of u as I swam in the ocean in the rain yesterday. We miss you!
From garwood- Ur report on our new business was due on my desk last week and I still haven’t got it. U won’t graduate if I have 2 wait much longer!! Don’t flake on me now honey! U wanna be a zillionaire or not??
from sarah c- Wizard time
to sarah c- we are harnessing our powers...
to melanie- Your presence is requested in the wizard’s lair.
to sarah c- That old Jewish American Wizard Princess... I’m in a blizzard.
to melanie- Not swimming so much, just the taking in of saltiness, local foliage. Locals and their ways. That stuff.
from melanie- the OG! what?
to melanie- Because TS is the throbbing center of all of the city’s power. And... Timmy hearts the olive garden, while i have never been there. Adventure!
from melanie- so awesome right now. left reg key on your floor. need to get somehow before you leave me.
from melanie- oh drunkedy drunky high school reunion. so bad when sober or is it just always
to melanie- Reunion GOOD. snow driving after open-mic at a hunting saloon populated by half-ghosts BETTER.
to alex- Remember when we went out dancing? Seems so long ago.
to lisa- You were in the post for drinking. I was in the post for riding the subway. Something’s not right.
to marissa- Just rediscovered a violent femmes tape. 1996. Perfect for snow driving after open-mic at a hunting saloon populated by half-ghosts. Do you like american music?
to everyone- Do you want a leg... Or a gizzard? Gravy boat! Stay in the now!
from marissa- Dude, I cooked my first turkey!
to marissa- I’ll bet it’s moist and delicious. Like a gizzard.
from michael antonia- eew! tofurkey for me puleeze.
from piet- tofurkey
from jane- i just made cranberry sauce, from scratch, for real. it’s my dish.
to jane- and yer my dish, bitter cranberry girl.
from melanie- I’m already sunk. drifting away... in coma. preparing for more later. packin on the lbs!
to melanie- yer already so huge! it’s ok though. insulate for the coming winter. I got beardsicled out on the mountain today! then i shaved! indians!
from wesleigh- come over here. we have so many gizzards!
to wesleigh- love to, but up in VT with the whorses. Back next week.
from mikey- I want your thighs dark meat only please for now
from manny- I want it all! Tell d-dogg happy birthday 4 me.
from adam barth- Oh yeah, tofurkey baby! Enjoy yosefus
from garwood- U are out of your goddamn mind
to garwood- just in my element, babe.
from missy- happy t day to you! This year kinda sucks-my mom died yesterday
to missy- no words. big heart to you.
from greg mckenna- now I am in your cell phone, causing damage like cocoa butter.
from phil- left-overs with bat hits oh my!
from missy- sorry if i freaked you out. Hope you had a good t-day.
to melanie- How thoughtful of you to call, though there was no reason to apologize... You’re a lady about town and can’t be expected to drop the nightlife for the call of a mountain man.
from melanie- aw please! don’t underestimate the appeal of a mtn man vs nyc nightlife!
to marissa- Don’t you owe me 20 dollars, deadbeat-mom? Also, summer school is a kick-ass movie.
to jill, brandon, marissa- Scotch Tape. My car. Know anything?
from jill- Huh?
from brandon- Nope
from marissa- I know nothing. (this was, apparantly, a "joke")
to sebastian- Congo? Malaria? Yellow fever?
to piet- tomorrow we kayak into the sea.
to luke- party is a nightmare. not recommended
from luke- i was there for exactly one second.
MAKE SENSE OF THE MORE CRYPTIC ONES AND WIN A PRIZE... tbd
